i’m a 15 year old girl who feels lost. alone. terrible.
i don’t get accepted by society. why? i have a crooked nose. i get bullied since 2010. i’ve always been very sensitive but i wasn’t insecure about myself. since people started bullying me, i started feeling insecure. and it gets more day by day. i can’t stand seeing my face. i can’t stand being in this body. i don’t feel okay in my body. i feel horrible seeing my reflection. there’s no day where i don’t start crying when i look in the mirror.
i struggle with depression. everything started 2011. when my grandmother died. my grandmother was blind and had many diseases but she never showed any pain. she was probably one of the strongest women i will ever know.
my grandmother needed me. she always showed me her love, always told me that everything will get better. always told me that i don’t have to worry about anything cause she’s there for me. but i ignored her. i didn’t gave her my love back. i always thought that she won’t leave me. in the beginning of 2011 i started realizing that she actually means the world to me. i started showing her my love more and more and i felt that she likes it.
i wanted to make everything better in 2011. cause 2010 was a horrible year for me. i wanted to feel better, not insecure. and at first i thought that everything is going to get better.
on february 5th 2011 i went to my grandmother and talked with her for hours i knew that something is wrong. i knew that something is going to happen. we talked about how everything’s gonna change when everyone is dead. how it looks like on the other side. how it is in paradise and hell. and than suddenly she told me that she won’t be able to see my kids but she wants to see my wedding. she died on valentinesday, february 14th 2011.
since then everything got more and more worse. i couldn’t accept the fact that my grandmother is gone. forever. when everything started getting better. i didn’t want to believe it. cause she was the one who told me that everything’s gonna get good. that she will beat the shit out of the people who bullied me. that she’s never going to leave me.
it’s gonna be 2 years since she’s gone. now i live in the appartment she lived in, i sleep in her bedroom, and i still can’t believe she’s gone and i’m never going to see her again.
i lost the fun in living. i just wanted to go to my grandmother, be with her, tell her i love her, cuddle her. i never showed it. but it destroyed me inside. and it still does. but i won’t tell anyone, cause they’ll never know how it is, losing the one who made everything better.
on october 14th 2011, the day my grandmother was dead for exactly 8 months i made the biggest mistake ever. i started cutting. i couldn’t handle it anymore. i had so much pain inside of me. so much hate. i couldn’t fight the urge. it was a little cut but i never knew that it’s going to become an addiction.
i still had depression, but it got more and more since november 2011. i did the second mistake. i got together with the ex-boyfriend of one of my best friends. she had to break up with him ,cause her brother found out that she is together with him and that’s not allowed in our religion (we are moslems). it really got me. i promised her that everything’s going to get better. but it didn’t. it got more worse. because of me.
her ex-boyfriend told me that he fell in love with me. he always told me things like ‘we need to get together. i love you so much’ and stuff, and i felt like i was forced to get together with him. and i did. on november 11th 2011.
that’s when everything started. my depression got more bad, i started cutting more often, i started feeling alone in a crowded room, i started feeling like i have nobody.
i didn’t tell my friend anything cause i knew that she still loves him. i couldn’t risk breaking her heart. i wanted to keep it as a secret. but somehow she found it out. she didn’t tell me anything but i felt that something is wrong cause she started ignoring me, made me feel worthless, and started being cold to me.
the day i found out, that she knows everything was november 25th 2011. we had a big argument. but i still was together with this boy. cause everytime i broke up he told me that wen can’t break up. that we need to stay together. that he loves me.
he always compared me to my friend. how they made future plans. how she showed him her love, he always told me that i am worthless and made me feel shittier about myself. the only thing he never knew was, that i am suicidal and depressed.
on december 1st 2011 came out, that he cheated on me. with another girl. i was sad. fucking sad. i thought he loves me. i didn’t know what to do. i told the girl to keep him but he said that he only wants me. i fell for it. i stayed with him. they broke up. we were still together. but i still couldn’t break up. i don’t know why.
my depression started getting more and more and more and more. i didn’t want to live anymore. i felt guilty. he always wanted me to show parts of my body (i didn’t do it). he always forced me doing things. he made me feel worthless. just like my friend, who was together with him.
than 2012 started. and i didn’t want to be here anymore. i couldn’t stand it anymore. everyday was a struggle. i attempted suicide in januay, but i failed.
on 19th february my sister called me and told me that she found out about everything. my friend told her everything, i guess. she forced me to break up with him. and i did. and it felt good.
the contact with my friend got better, after breaking up. we weren’t best friends anymore, and we still aren’t, but we got more in contact and started getting on well again. but we knew that nothing’s gonna be the same anymore. both of us made a mistake. she hacked into my facebook account and read all the messages with him and my other friends, even though i didn’t know anything of it, and i was together with his ex-boyfriend.
the boy who was together with my friend and me lives in another country. so we had a ‘long distance relationship’. i don’t know why it affected me so much. everything was through the internet.
i still had depression. and cutting got an addiction. i couldn’t stop it. it started controling me. and it still does.
i still felt guilty. nothing got better. the opposite. it got worse. my cutting, my depression.
to sum up; 2011 and 2012 were by far the most horrible years
nothing changed. everything is the same. i still feel insecure, i still have depression, and i still cut. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t want to be here anymore. i keep telling myself that everything is going to get better but it doesn’t.
one of the things that make me sad is that i can’t dress like i want. i am a muslim. i’m a proud muslim. but it’s not allowed to show much skin on our religion. some muslims ignore this rule, i know, but my parents are strict, when it’s about our religion. i can’t wear tank tops, shorts, or skinny jeans. it shows too much skin. i hate this rule. i think, that if i was allowed to dress like i want, i would feel much better about myself.
there are days where i feel good. but at the end of the day i realize that i just keep lying to myself. everything is worse. i feel like i’m gonna be like this forever. i want to get better, of course i do. but everytime i start getting happy, something bad happens. i am afraid of getting happy again. i look at my scars and hate myself even more. it makes me crazy to think that the girl, who once was happy, is now depressed, suffers from self-harm, and is suicidal.
if you have more questions, just message me, and i will answer.
and if you ever feel sad, or need advice; i am here for you. i will give my best to give you a good advice. i will listen. i will try to make you feel better.
and if you are suicidal, suffer from self-harm or depressed; you can get through it. you really can. when i first attempted suicide, i never thought that i’m going to get through the year. but i did. and you should stay too. someone out there needs you. i need you. i love you. never forget this. you are awesome.
thank you for reading x